When I have kids I’ll never………………………….

I was recently reminiscing back to my younger years. I actually thought about getting married and having children quite a bit back then. I guess it was always something I knew I wanted. But the funny thing is that in the BK(before kids) years, I would sometimes find myself planning about the type of parent I would be. To a point this was good I guess? I mean why not plan ahead, right?.....And I was soooo smart back then. I had it all planned out. It was going to be my way or the highway. And I was great at criticizing those “bad” parents. I used to say it all the time:

When I have kids they will never:

Run through the supermarket making a racquet……. Look the supermarket is filled with all sorts of unruly characters. So, if I’m going to put up with body ode guy and lady who sneezes all over the apples, then guess what? That’s right, they’re going to run and yell a little bit. Choose your poison shoppers….body stink, the flu or the sweet sound of childhood innocence.

Have cookies for dinner…….Ok, you just worked a 12-hour day and the wife left for her masters class as soon as you got home. You need to feed the kids, give them a bath, put them to bed and write some bills before this miserable day can come to a close. It’s cookies and happy kids or three straight hours of crying. And because your so busy crying, they don’t get bathed or to bed on time. Therefore, they end up going to school the next day a dirty, sleep-deprived mess. So I ask you, are cookies for dinner on occasion really that bad???

Let them talk fresh to me or their mother…….Good luck with that one Pat!


Fight with the wife in front of them………..Um, Well,…I’ve decided that presenting an unrealistic view of love and marriage could not benefit any child. To do this would only set them up with an expectation for their future that could not be realized.


Let them walk in on us “cuddling”……This one is for those of us who have been scarred during our childhood by this awful, everlasting image. Well, I’ve realized that some things are just God’s will. And if it were to happen (so far so good) it would just be one of life’s na

"A recent conversation between my wife and I:"

Wife: “I’m thinking of signing Patrick up for piano lessons.”

Husband: “Piano!!… Why piano?” “Why not guitar or drums?”

Wife: “Well, I read somewhere that playing piano helps improve your motor skills and may increase your ability to learn other instruments like your guitar or drums.”

Husband: “Well, I read somewhere that playing my guitar or drums improves your popularity and will increase your ability to get girls.”

Wife: “Girls!!!…He’s five! Anyway, how do you explain Billy Joel? He was married to Christie Brinkley.”

Husband: “My darling wife, don’t be so naive. (chuckle)…….. Every man knows that Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley were never really together. It was all a big public relations stunt put together by high power Hollywood PR firm.”

Wife: “Go mow the lawn!!”

“Tivo – Parents Use With Caution”

Last week we were visiting with my wife’s sister and her family who also have two young children. As we were sitting around talking, the conversation turned to the kids bedtime routine. We were talking about how our kids have a bedtime routine that revolves around their favorite cartoons. With us both having children under five, it was no surprise that our the routines are the same…watch Tom and Jerry kill each other from 8pm-9pm then go to bed. Then my wife mentioned that she sometimes wished the kids would go to bed a bit earlier so we could have some more time to ourselves, and of course when she mentions “time to ourselves” she is thinking about crawling into bed with a nice book, while I’m thinking about crawling into bed with her, but that is a topic for another time. Then her sister tells us that they just started to use Tivo to tape the bedtime cartoons and then play the previous night show from 7pm-8pm, one hour earlier than normal. For those of you not familiar with Tivo, it is a product that digitally records TV programs to hard disk, like a computer, and stores these programs for you to watch at your convienence. Well, when I heard how they were using modern technology to manipulate their son’s mind and trick him into going to bed earlier, I thought, “Wow, what an awesome idea”. I mean I was so excited. It was like he just gave me tomorrow night’s lotto numbers. …Ok, let me stop here for one second and say this: “For those of you reading this who think it’s just terrible how we parents can’t wait to put our children down for the night”, call me when you have two young kids at home running wild because you obviously currently do not.

So over the course of the next few days I began the process of recording. The plan was to record each night’s show and play it the next night a bit earlier each time until we arrived at a bedtime that worked better for my wife and I……. And let me tell you it was AWSOME. We got to watch more of our shows for a change and even occasionally had some “time to ourselves”. It worked like a charm. It worked so well because the cartoon-before-bed routine had been in place for a while now that it was like Pavlov’s dog. It was as if the kids were programmed to go directly to bed after their show. Everything was going great for the next few weeks until last Saturday. It began like any other day, but ended with what some might call, “A Self Intervention”. What happened you ask?.. Well, after watching the cartoons and putting the kids to bed my wife walks into the kitchen, looks at me and says, “What do you want to do?”…I paused for a moment, glanced at the kitchen window and replied, “ I’m going to go mow the lawn”, and she said, “Good, I’m going jogging.” It was only 3pm......That’s when we knew we had gone to far!

"The Five Words That Made It Real"

I don't know about you, but for me there was one day, one magic moment that made me finally realize that I'm really all grown up and a father of my own now. I guess still being a fairly young lad I had a little trouble letting go of the "freedom years" and embracing the "responsibility years". I mean after all, for the first year they pretty much eat, poop and sleep....not always in that order of course. And yes there was the occasional interrupted sleep and unanticipated lifestyle changes that began to make me realize that this is a little different then when we adopted the dog.......But it was that one beautiful day, those five magic words that made it all real. I remember it as clear as day. I was sitting on the couch watching the game when from the other side of the house, my sweet..sweet son yelled from the top of his lungs these words to me.............

"DAD, COME WIPE MY BUTT"!!!!

"Sometimes They Are Just Smarter"

Sometimes my three year old girl will just outright outsmart me....The other day I walk into the kitchen and their she is, on all fours, drinking out of the dog's bowl. So, naturally I yell,..."Katelyn what are you doing!! You can get sick from doing that!!". Her reply..."But yesterday I did it and didn't get sick".....So I ask you, how do you beat that?..She got me, stopped me cold............Ahhhh, but I'm the Dad, the boss, the one who's never outdone by his kid, right?..So I quickly came up with a clever response to reinforce my status as the boss and end this little power struggle right hear and now...

"Well, If you know what's good for you, you'll be sure to leave some for the dog"!

"Flying Taco"

Sometimes my kids will do something that is so out of character that I wonder what is really in those fruity cereals. One evening my family and I are sitting at the dinner table enjoying my wife’s famous taco dinner. Then, out of nowhere, whistling through the midsummer air appears a taco shell, headed straight for my wife. Now being the man of the house, I felt compelled to jump in front of my love and take the taco for her. After all that would be the “manly”, “honorable” thing to do. But then an image flashed into my head… that of both my wife and I both being struck down in our prime and our poor children left to fend form themselves. So, I stayed put and watch the drama play out…Fortunately for all involved, my wife was only grazed in the right arm. We turned and looked at each other, both seeking to verify what we just witnessed really did happen. Now, by the look on her face, I know exactly what was going through my wife’s mind, “Thank God this happened here and now, instead of in a restaurant or when having company over for dinner”…. Well, I too was just as surprised and shocked by what I saw, ….Good arm angle…Nice tight spiral…Great overall form…..

So, he went to his room for a while and I returned to the kitchen where my wife and I tried our best to keep him from hearing the laughter…I mean sometimes you just have to laugh.

Well, all is forgiven and no more flying dinners to date. Will it happen again, who knows…But one positive thing came out of this…. We are now signed up for midget football!